I Will Take Responsibility for the Welfare of the Male Lead - Chapter 105
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DragonTrainer
@Nocturne Thanks for the feedback. the reason laria was kinda sidelined wasn’t to dis her, it was meant to be more of a summary of a potential new story not a time jump. Think of this story being the back story of my fanfic and my fanfic being just a summary of the plot. Laria going missing for years and not found was based on others manhwa’s FL’s mothers disappear. Tho I do agree that the pope being the primary suspect, it would have to do with the lack of political power and lack of evidence. He can’t just raid the pope especially without proof (watch me be wrong later in the real story 😂). What I wrote is just a rough draft, the story’s framing/blueprint or world building, if you will. That’s the reason it feels rushed. From here if I was going to continue and make it a real story, I’d take the blue print stretch it out and start adding details like back story, MLs, side villains, friends, etc. With that said, I will be taking your feedback (via screenshot) for future reference as I do have some stories that I want to write about that I’ve already done most of the world building on. Tho idk when I’ll actually write it 😂 I’m extremely a rookie at writing a story, in fact this was my first fanfic. And I kinda just wrote it self for the most part. Writing it was ALOT easier than writing my own as the characters are already developed. Anyway, thanks again for the feedback.
Nocturne
pope has to go to the fire!! real
DragonTrainer
Parallel universe: After they “go to bed “ Laria is kidnapped by the Pope(?) and goes missing. 10 years go by and the duke (still looking for her) comes across a little girl with light almost platinum blonde hair and light purple eyes. The little girl has unique holy powers gained from Laria being exposed to the black smoke from experiment. The experiment was actually the church extracting holy power from other weak powered children so they could make their own more powerful and loyal saints. The little girl covered in wounds and wearing rags, whether by chance or fate bumps into the duke. The duke takes her in and names her Maggy after her mother Laria (meaning “The stars are mine”) and the Star magnolia (which are white and purple). Laria unfortunately passed away 8 years prior due to complications of birth, neglect and abuse by the church. Thus begins the new manhwa and the adventures of Maggy.
How did I do? 😉
Nocturne
Too much in too little. Feels weird, you neglected too much the current FL. Also the duke would have found the FL after some days or weeks as max. Y’know, ML usually go crazy when their FL disappear and the pope would surely be one of the prime suspects. Try to structure it better and give highlighting details that will make it more believable. Kinda p1ss3d me off on how you chose to highlight a new FL just like that. This comment isn’t meant to be seen as mean, nor insulting, I just answered your question. hope this helps you improve your storyteller skills.